Don't you just love it when you go to the dentist and the Doc or hygienist tries to talk to you while you have your mouth wide open and they are scraping crust from your teeth and the suction is halfway down your throat?! Our children's version of this scenario is this: Don't you just love it when you are in the middle of your favorite show, or playing with your favorite toy, or trying to get ready to go out with your friends, or getting ready for school and your parents come in and try to talk to you? Timing is everything to get your children to talk and tell you the important stuff.
I am one very blessed momma in that my children tell me just about everything. Yes, they lie sometimes and yes, I have had some times that they have been doing things they shouldn't, but for the most part, they tell me stuff that I need to know. It is because I have set up open lines of communication from the very beginning. Showing your children that you are not going to panic or interrupt when they talk is important to establishing lines of communication. Remember when your kids fall and you give this look of horror to them and they start crying? I always have a pleasant look on my face when something happens and don't panic. That way the child can decide if it is an instance that warrants upset reaction. Don't panic, and look pleasant. Rule #1 to open lines of communication. If you start this early then not only will you establish credibility and openness with your little ones, it will train you to not panic so when they are teens and come to you with who had drugs at the party or who is trying to have sex with them then you won't panic either. I assure you your teens will not open up if you panic every time they speak to you about stuff.
When you go get your nails or hair done, it seems to be a time to talk to the person doing your nails or hair. I noticed this anomaly and the fact that at a hair salon, dirty laundry is hung without inhibition for all to hear. Cool! I brought this home and used it on my children with much success. Regularly paint and clip your girl's nails and do their hair and the dirty laundry is out to dry. With my boy, it involves clipping and digging dirt. They don't realize that I have a motive in my pampering, but that is ok. I start out just like a hairdresser does. What can I do for you today? What has been going on with you since the last time we did your nails, etc. My children have responded beautifully to this tactic. I get a lot of information out of them this way, and gives me a chance to listen to them. Again, don't panic, and don't ask too many questions. Over time, it establishes communication lines for anything, not just the easy stuff like where are we going to eat Friday night.
With my boy, shooting hockey is a good time to talk. Shoot hockey with him, shoot basketball with him, dig a hole in the yard with him, dig dirt out of his fingernails for him, all of which have been successful talking times for me with my boy. Again, don't panic or ask too many questions.
Bathtime is a good time to talk when your children are small. My children used to tell me all kinds of things from bathtime. However, I never panicked, offered too much advice, or looked shocked by anything they told me even from a young age.
What do I do if my child tells me something they did that is bad? You said not to panic! Well, I am glad you asked. The way I handle this is simple. I put it back on them. I say, "What do you think God is saying about what you are doing?" For me, it works every time. Gives them a chance to think through what happened, and how they should correct themselves. No shouting, no fussing, just correction. Children want to do what is right.
When they come home from school is a terrible time to talk, but it also is the best time to talk if you know what questions to ask. Here is the scenario: They get off the bus, come in the house, and you say Hey! How was school today? You are setting yourself up for closed lines of communication here. What is the answer to the overused "How was school today?" ? Well, it is "fine". Door shut, communication stunted, tv on, snack prepared, you are DONE momma! Try this and see if it doesn't get you further than a standard "fine". When my kids come home I say to them, Well you look happy today! or Well you look upset about something. or You look like you are excited about something. These comments open the door for a more thorough explanation or answer than "fine". Kids will correct you if you say they look happy and they are not at all! They will reply with No, I am not happy at all, I failed the math test and my best friend is saying I'm not her friend anymore. NOW, you lines are open. and you can have a nice discussion of things. It is all in the questions you ask, folks.
I hope my blog today will help even one person to open some lines of communication with their child. Do their nails, do their hair, play beauty salon, bathtime, bedtime, whatever works. Just don't panic, lay grounds of communication early so you train yourself and your child, when they do start to tell something, don't offer too much advice, just listen. Keep calm and listen on.
Now that is a point to ponder.
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