A Note to All Adoptive Parents from an Adult Adopted Child

I was at the gym this morning minding my own business and ended up with a random guy in my workout group.  The crowd was sparse today, so groups were in twos today.  So it was me and random guy pumping some iron.  Not a whole lot was said along the workout until I made a statement about a little girl sitting on the sidelines waiting for her mommy to finish her workout.  I turned to my gym buddy and said, "That little girl is one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen."  He agreed and we moved on to the next station.  Somehow he and I ended up in a big discussion about kids and genetics.  This is amusing because genetics is one of my favorite subjects to discuss.

Her eyes are the color of the ocean.
She is 6 months old.
Her adoption was final last week.

STOP  Stop right there.  "I was adopted when I was 6 months old too!!!"  I was completely captivated by his description of his baby from this moment on.  In fact, we missed one of our stations because we were talking about the fact that his daughter and I are just alike.  Both adopted at 6 months old.  Both adored by our parents, both so very special and so very wanted.

The gentleman was also captivated by my story and started asking me about adoption from an adult child's perspective.  Which led me to today's blog post.  I have a few words of advice to all adoptive parents.

Now here is where my parents come in.  They didn't do everything right I am sure they would say, but I can't think of a single thing they did wrong in raising me.  But, the one thing they did perfectly was made me feel special.  I never felt adopted, never felt an outsider, or different.  I have seen quite a few shows with adopted people in them who never felt right in their homes.  This is not my experience and I give my parents all the credit for how they raised me.  First of all, "adopted" was never a foreign word to me.  My mom rocked me and told me how special I was and how much she wanted me.  My dad constantly told me I was the best and I believed it.  They told me how heartbreak in childbearing for them led to me being their daughter and how grateful to God they were for me.  As years passed, they would continue to talk to me about how special an adopted daughter was.  They never sat me down and told me I was adopted.  That is the worst thing a parent can do is set the child down and tell them they are adopted.  Instead, breathe it to them as you rock them, talk about it while you bathe them, and it will just be a part of life, not a secret revealed when they are old enough to understand.  I understood being adopted from the day I was adopted.  I was 6 months old and had full knowledge of what adoption was.  Adoption was having a mom and dad who cherished me.  Always and forever no matter how old I get.

As I collect my thoughts to share with you, I am reminded of the story in Timothy when we are reminded that Timothy's faith dwelt first in his grandmother Lois and his mother Eunice and now dwells in him.    Lois and Eunice did not set Timothy down and say, "We need to have a talk."  Instead, faith was just always something he grew up knowing and understanding.  Adoption is that way for me.  Always something I knew.  Whether I knew all the answers about adoption didn't matter just like knowing all the answers about faith didn't matter.  Timothy knew he had it, and I knew I was special and wanted.

I have never wanted to know who my birth mother is.  I still don't.  I have a very full life and I don't need to know who physically grew me, because my parents are the ones who gave me life.  When I was in college, I did pray to God that He place it on my birth mother's heart how grateful I am that she did not see me as property but as a life who deserved better than she could give me.  What a selfless woman that I do not need to know.

I am grateful for my parents who did everything right.  Especially making me feel like I am important.  From the time I was a baby, they told me I was kind, I was important, I was smart.  And I believed it.


Jennifer

Beautiful Ashes

I have been having lengthy conversations with a close friend over the past bit.  She is a lifelong friend.  Someone I have known my whole life.  We have been friends since I can remember friends.  It's fun when you have a friend that you can go a year without seeing and then suddenly see them and start a conversation like you never missed a beat.  She is that friend.  I am truly blessed.  I have to give this friend credit for today's blog post.  She didn't write the words but she inspired the thought because she brought the thought to my attention.  Thank you, Friend.

When have the ashes of your past been beautiful to someone else?  When have you been candid enough with someone who was struggling to give them tools from your own struggling that can help them as they experience hard times? We all have valleys in life that we wish we didn't have to navigate but when we get back out of the valley and file away the information we learned to get through the difficult time, it can be used to the greater good when shared with a friend.  Now, I am not at all saying we need to go around and lay all our problems out on a table for all to see and hear.  But what I AM saying is that when an opportunity comes to share a situation you have been through so that another of God's children can have strength for another day then we need to remove our veil, or mask for them to see that they are not alone.  The worst feeling in the world is alone.  To feel like you are the only one experiencing this pain, this loss, this agony, this problem.  We have such a unique opportunity with our circle of friends and family and coworkers to help each other feel like they are not alone.  What a gift.

Isaiah 61:1-5New International Version (NIV)

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

In Isaiah 61:1-5 we are told to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom to the captives and release darkness for the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn and bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.  When have your ashes been a beautiful crown to someone else who was in need? This passage also says they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.  Oak trees are very slow growing but the strongest trees when the winds blow.  They roots are very deep.  When we share struggles with friends who have lived a day in our shoes, we create this great oak.  Slowly, deeply, and strong enough to stand the winds of trouble.
              

Make your ashes beautiful for someone today. Have a great day!
Jennifer

Spaghetti

Do you know how to check to see if spaghetti is done?  Well, when you think it is done, pull out a piece and throw it against the refrigerator.  If it sticks, it is done.  If it doesn't, it isn't done.  That simple.  Foolproof.

Sometimes when I am cooking spaghetti, I am in a hurry and hope that it is done and will pull out a few pieces and throw them hoping they will stick.  Other times, I KNOW the spaghetti is done and pull out a piece and throw it knowing it will stick.  How many times in our lives are we in a situation where it is ok to just throw as much spaghetti as we can toward the refrigerator just hoping that some of it will stick?  For example, with our children, don't we try to teach them everything that we can think of before they leave home hoping that some of it will stick?  We throw all the wisdom we can think of at the refrigerator of their lives and hope that when it comes down to it, some of it sticks?  Still other times, we are down to the wire of a situation and before we can throw the spaghetti we have to have an educated guess, a certainty that the spaghetti will stick when we throw it.  In these times, we can't afford error.  We HAVE to make it stick.


What situations are you dealing with or have dealt with that you tried to just throw as much effort as you could toward it hoping some of it was successful?  Then what situations are you dealing with where you can't afford error and you have to know the effort will be successful before you invest in it?

Let me know what you think.
Jennifer

Branches, Christmas Parties and Dr. Seuss OH MY!

For the past two days, along with closing ceremonies for school, I have been at work for various things.  Yesterday I was at an all staff meeting and today I was in attendance for the staff Christmas Party.  Sounds simple enough but I am a bit of a deep thinker.  So the entire time I was at the all staff meeting I was thinking that I would not attend the Christmas party because I really am not much of a worker at the Blue Hair's Facility.  Yes, I worked a lot during 2/3 of the year last year, but not anymore.  I am working one to two days per month just to stay on the payroll in case the new full time bus driver is sick or needs time off.  I praise God for the fact that they found a great full time bus driver.  There was a time that I wondered if I ever would be able to be a stay at home mom again.  In the meeting, the interim director went over the Christmas gifts we would receive from the company and the raffle prizes that would be given out.  The entire time I listened to this confirmed that I did not need to attend.  I don't need to take what I didn't earn.  

Then the light dawned on me.  Maybe because of something the director said in his ramblings during the meeting or maybe something I thought of myself, or maybe something The Lord put on my heart at that time, the light dawned. These verses came to mind while I was in the meeting. 

John 15…4"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.5"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6"If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned.

Mark 4:17
But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.

We are told that God is the vine and we are the branches.  Together we can bear much fruit.  But apart from the vine, we dry up.  If we are dried up then we are useless.  Likewise, if we have no root then we wither and die.  I am clearly not the vine or the root of the company I work for.  But I AM a branch.  And branches produce leaves which provide life for many other creations.  I realized that even though I now only work one to two days per month, that I am still a blessing to the company.  I am sure it would be hard to find someone to basically just "hang out" on the payroll in case someone gets sick and they need some help.  

I said all of that to say this:  May we never feel like we are not important in life.  May we never spend a moment thinking we should not be a part of something because we play such a small role.  No matter how small our role in anything, we are important.  We all play a role in society and work together to form a whole.  Our entire staff at the Blue Hair Facility, from the executive director all the way down to the fill in bus driver, each fill a role to form a whole.  Likewise, each individual in society works together with our own talents, along with God the vine to make a whole. 

I went to the Christmas party today and I had a great time.  I was never so proud and happy to be a part of something.  A very small part, but a part nonetheless.  Maybe my role is the peaceful part.  The little tiny thought in the back of my boss's head that thinks "If someone doesn't show up for work, I can call Jennifer.  She will come help."  That is an incredibly big role.  To be the peaceful thought in your boss's mind.  The comforter.   

At the end of the party, I thought of our individual jobs, big and little and I thought of Dr. Seuss.

Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

We didn't hold hands at the end of the Christmas party, but we did sing songs together and it was really fun.  The tall and the small of our company sang together in celebration of Christmas.  May we all realize just how important we are.  

Jennifer

Fun Idea for Porch Urns

Today we are going to get in touch with our inner groovy.  Necessity is the mother of invention they say, and that was true for me today.  I have been in a pickle with my porch urns for a while.  Anything I put in them dies because I forget to water them.  A couple of years ago I purchased some fake topiaries for my urns and they were great for two years but didn't hold up well in direct weather since my porch is not covered.  I threw them away a couple of days ago and have been trying to think of something to put in them that won't die.  Think, think, think.

The main criteria for my urn creation is that it must not cost a lot of money.  I decided to buy a dowel rod for each pot, stick it in the drain hole in the bottom of the urns and zip tie deco mesh around the dowel.  Then, I zip tied a peppermint candy that I made last year.

 The peppermint candies were cut with a jig saw from plywood and they painted in a candy pattern.  I looked at peppermint candy and copied the pattern on my wood.  Then I screwed a stake to each one and hammered them into my flower bed.  Tadaa!!  A great whimsical look for almost no money.  I had the mesh in my attic.

The holidays have always been a happy time for me and my family throughout my life.  It has come more and more obvious to me that not everyone is happy for the holiday time of the year.  Many have experienced devastation or death or a host of things during the past holiday seasons and it makes it hard for them.  Some people don't have family to be with.  If this is you, I want you to know that I am thinking of you.  May we all be more aware that not all holidays are happy for everyone.

Thank you so much for reading my blog.
Jennifer

Holding a Rainbow

Have you ever held a rainbow?  I have.  I did yesterday.  In the Bible, the rainbow is God's symbol that He will not destroy the world after 40 days of rain and storms.  The rainbow I held was a gift to his parents for not giving up when times were tough in years past.

If you missed the story of Rainbow's parents, here is the link to that post.  

http://funthoughtsonlife.blogspot.com/2013/03/gods-timing-almost-always-is-not-our.html

Holding a newborn baby is a gift.  I soaked it up yesterday.  They are newborn for such a short time and yet so incredibly sweet.  You can't spoil them when they are newborn.  You just can't.  They are so fresh and new and they have only basic needs.  Those little smiles you get so early on when you talk to them is so special.  

Gas pains some say, but I believe they are true acknowledgements of happiness from a tiny little gift.  As I held this gift and talked to him I wondered if he realized how special he was.

  Does he realize how cherished he is?  Does he know how wanted he is?  Does he know what a true treasure he is? 

 Of course he doesn't, but he will be able to live life finding out just how treasured he is.  

Rainbow's brother knows how special he is.  During the pregnancy, random commentary came from time to time about how life will change after the baby arrives.  Naturally, the parents made provisions and preparations to make sure Brother still knew he was the first.  How loved and special he is.  That there is love to share.  Once Rainbow arrived, Brother learned that love grows exponentially.  

The love was instant.  It was strong.  It was unwavering.  For Brother, it instantly became a sacrificing love.  Because of the age difference, there was no adjustment phase.  It was just immediate care and concern for another human being that is his brother.  Oh the fun these two will share.  The legos they will build.  The thought of a brother teaching a brother to walk.  To talk, to sing, to dig in dirt, to climb a jungle gym.  The built in protection big brother will provide selflessly.  They have a lifetime to be best friends.  Brothers. 

As a mother of older children, I would like to remind moms of small children that the days are long but the years are short.  You won't understand this until your children are teens or leaving home.  I didn't.  But now there are days that I cry for my oldest daughter.  She is in college.  It isn't the big things that you miss.  It is the day to day.  Your child being there on the couch to watch a tv show.  Your child being there to throw their clothes on the floor or leave their toys out all over the bonus room.  There was a time that I had toys strewn all over the house.  Pieces of toys everywhere.  Now, this Christmas, we will not purchase a single toy.  We don't have a single toy in the house.  Not one.  Not one little lego sitting on a chest.  Not one toy box with plastic action figures and barbies in it.  Not one.  There was a time I would have given anything for a clean house.  My house is clean now.  But I miss my children.  Now granted, they aren't all gone, and I still have clothes on the floor but because my oldest is now out of the house, I appreciate clothes all over the place.  It means my children are home.  I shut the door to my daughter's room because it is so clean that it makes me sad.  A clean room means my child isn't at home.  

To mothers of small children, appreciate the toys all over the floor.  For it means your children are home.  The days are long when they are little, but the years are very very short.  In a flash they will be gone.  So hold your rainbow today.  Just like real rainbows in the sky, our children are gone in a flash so look while they are there.

Have a great day!  Thanks for reading my blog.  And don't forget to grab a rainbow today.  

Jennifer 

In Sickness and In Health

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

When we marry, we may take our vows very seriously, I know I did, but do we really think about what that may mean?  Taking care of your military husband who is now legless due to a roadside bomb?  Caring for your wife as she dies of cancer?  Living in poverty?  Having more money than you know what to do with and the problems that can come from that?  Dealing with a child with a learning disability?  Day to day taxing work of taking care of a special needs child?  Do we really consider these scenarios as we say these vows in our wedding?  I am suggesting that we don't truly consider the magnitude of what may be coming our way down the road.  

When we marry we have dreams.  Dreams to have children, to travel, to retire with enough money to enjoy life and our elder years.  Sometimes life throws us a curveball.  Sometimes we have to readjust our plans for better or worse.  

I come from a long line of love.  I realize how unusual my life is and I thank God daily that I live in the somewhat of a utopia that I live in.  Both sets of our parents(my husband and mine) have been married a total of over 100 years.  Our sibling is happily married and so is our sister in law's parents.  Even my children realize that this much love in one family is unusual since many of their friends come from broken homes.  We have great family all the way around.  Today I would like to focus on one part of the family and the love that they share.

My husband's parents are wonderful, God fearing people.  They, like most, took their vows and made their plans and dreams.  From the time I came on the scene in 1989, I have heard them discuss their plans for retirement and plans to travel and enjoy their life together.  Their plans never did really pan out the way they planned.  From the time of their retirement, my mother in law had health problems that prevented them from really taking any trips or doing anything outside of ordinary life.  Ultimately, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.  Although the Alzheimer's was not the cause of the lack of ability to travel early on, it is our life now.  She went to the hospital last November 2013 with chest pains.  She walked into the hospital of her own free will and abilities and yet, she never returned home.  This hospital stay gave my father in law the poetic license to really be honest about the fact that he no longer could care for her they way that he wanted to.  He needed help.  She went to assisted living from the hospital and is now in a skilled nursing facility.  She is quite happy in spite of the fact that we can't really recall the last coherent thing she said or the last time she actually knew who we were.  Many people are in this situation and I would like to address the topic of the caregiver.  It is harder on the caregiver than the patient.  Enter, my father in law.  I love him.  

I love him for the example that he shows us daily of taking care of your spouse in sickness and in health.  For being with them even when they have no idea who you are after 55 years of marriage.  For talking to them in spite of the fact that she doesn't have any recollection of their life together.  When she lived in assisted living, he stayed with her around the clock.  He made sure she had what she needed and that the nurses were taking care of her they way he would.  He sacrificed everything because this was the life that they were dealt.  While some were traveling and seeing the world during their retirement, they were in an assisted living facility going through photo albums to try to jog some memory of a life well lived.  My father in law took care of them financially and now in addition to that, he takes care of his wife physically.  Now that she is in a skilled nursing facility, she has to be fed.  He feeds her three meals a day.  He wipes her mouth.  He adjusts her bed.  He combs her hair.  He strokes her hand.  He adjusts her clothes.  He loves her.  And I love him for it.  What an amazing example he is to all of us.  Tirelessly, he cares for her, sacrificing his time and energy to care for her.  Yes, the nurses could feed her but he wants to.  In sickness and in health.  In memory and not.  I know it makes him sad if he were to think long about the fact that although she may call his name, she doesn't know him or their life together.  But he continues to serve.  Serving God through his vows.  I see what he does.  I respect him for his devotion and example.  I love him.  I love him for showing us what true love really is.  What sacrifice means.  What devotion looks like.  In our home, we don't have to watch the movie The Notebook.  We live it.  
                                 
                                                 (stock photo)
May we all be cognizant of the caregivers and their tireless efforts to care for their spouses and families.  Diagnoses are not just for the patient, the entire family is diagnosed and affected.  Do something nice for a caregiver in your circle today.  Send them a note of appreciation.  Let them know that you see what they do.  I know it will give them strength for another day.

Hug a caregiver today!
Jennifer