When we marry, we may take our vows very seriously, I know I did, but do we really think about what that may mean? Taking care of your military husband who is now legless due to a roadside bomb? Caring for your wife as she dies of cancer? Living in poverty? Having more money than you know what to do with and the problems that can come from that? Dealing with a child with a learning disability? Day to day taxing work of taking care of a special needs child? Do we really consider these scenarios as we say these vows in our wedding? I am suggesting that we don't truly consider the magnitude of what may be coming our way down the road.
When we marry we have dreams. Dreams to have children, to travel, to retire with enough money to enjoy life and our elder years. Sometimes life throws us a curveball. Sometimes we have to readjust our plans for better or worse.
I come from a long line of love. I realize how unusual my life is and I thank God daily that I live in the somewhat of a utopia that I live in. Both sets of our parents(my husband and mine) have been married a total of over 100 years. Our sibling is happily married and so is our sister in law's parents. Even my children realize that this much love in one family is unusual since many of their friends come from broken homes. We have great family all the way around. Today I would like to focus on one part of the family and the love that they share.
My husband's parents are wonderful, God fearing people. They, like most, took their vows and made their plans and dreams. From the time I came on the scene in 1989, I have heard them discuss their plans for retirement and plans to travel and enjoy their life together. Their plans never did really pan out the way they planned. From the time of their retirement, my mother in law had health problems that prevented them from really taking any trips or doing anything outside of ordinary life. Ultimately, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. Although the Alzheimer's was not the cause of the lack of ability to travel early on, it is our life now. She went to the hospital last November 2013 with chest pains. She walked into the hospital of her own free will and abilities and yet, she never returned home. This hospital stay gave my father in law the poetic license to really be honest about the fact that he no longer could care for her they way that he wanted to. He needed help. She went to assisted living from the hospital and is now in a skilled nursing facility. She is quite happy in spite of the fact that we can't really recall the last coherent thing she said or the last time she actually knew who we were. Many people are in this situation and I would like to address the topic of the caregiver. It is harder on the caregiver than the patient. Enter, my father in law. I love him.
I love him for the example that he shows us daily of taking care of your spouse in sickness and in health. For being with them even when they have no idea who you are after 55 years of marriage. For talking to them in spite of the fact that she doesn't have any recollection of their life together. When she lived in assisted living, he stayed with her around the clock. He made sure she had what she needed and that the nurses were taking care of her they way he would. He sacrificed everything because this was the life that they were dealt. While some were traveling and seeing the world during their retirement, they were in an assisted living facility going through photo albums to try to jog some memory of a life well lived. My father in law took care of them financially and now in addition to that, he takes care of his wife physically. Now that she is in a skilled nursing facility, she has to be fed. He feeds her three meals a day. He wipes her mouth. He adjusts her bed. He combs her hair. He strokes her hand. He adjusts her clothes. He loves her. And I love him for it. What an amazing example he is to all of us. Tirelessly, he cares for her, sacrificing his time and energy to care for her. Yes, the nurses could feed her but he wants to. In sickness and in health. In memory and not. I know it makes him sad if he were to think long about the fact that although she may call his name, she doesn't know him or their life together. But he continues to serve. Serving God through his vows. I see what he does. I respect him for his devotion and example. I love him. I love him for showing us what true love really is. What sacrifice means. What devotion looks like. In our home, we don't have to watch the movie The Notebook. We live it.
(stock photo)
May we all be cognizant of the caregivers and their tireless efforts to care for their spouses and families. Diagnoses are not just for the patient, the entire family is diagnosed and affected. Do something nice for a caregiver in your circle today. Send them a note of appreciation. Let them know that you see what they do. I know it will give them strength for another day.
Hug a caregiver today!
Jennifer
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